Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
sarcasm needs its own font
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
