Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
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