Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
