the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
