Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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