Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
