The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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