Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
