Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i believe in u and ur pee
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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