Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it's great music for shaving your balls
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
