My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
