I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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