I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
