Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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