Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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