Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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