I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
