had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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