Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
