I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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