If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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