He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
