So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
