my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize