is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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