Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
