cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
