My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
