if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
