I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
