I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
as a side note pls kill me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
