I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
two words: eviction party
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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