NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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