apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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