Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
