Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
BRING THE BAGELS
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize