Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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