i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
