then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
