i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize