If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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