Apparently you make a good broom.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was CRYING into my vagina
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize