Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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