I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
