Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
