If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
