I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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