I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
