come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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