At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize