New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize