I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
