I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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