Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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