You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
