I met the friendliest cop last night
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just want nice things and good sex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
