you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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