It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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