apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
