We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
