If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
