So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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