i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
