Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
