PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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