Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
