Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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