Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
