I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
