My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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