Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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