So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You are a genius and a whore.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
