I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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