Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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