I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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