My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
