I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
