just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
