You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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